Night falls. Nervously you adjust your necklace and the hem of your dress. For the first time, you’re about to go on a date with near royalty. Like a gentleman, he’s sent a cab for you. You only think it’s a little strange that the cab is an unmarked black Lincoln town car and that the cabbie’s face is almost completely obscured from your view. You get in and the driver starts down the road.
After a while, the car slows down for a school zone and suddenly you are surrounded by women in peasant-garb looking really upset. Are we in Amish country? you wonder. You roll down the window.
You: Hello, good evening. Are you alright? Did your tour bus break down or something?
Peasants: Please, we beg of you, get out of the car! Leave this cursed place! <indistinct wailing>
You: Hey, look: I’m sorry it didn’t work out between the count and you ladies, but it’s time to move on. He’s seeing me now.
You roll up the window and the driver pulls away, chuckling darkly. You continue to drive for what seems like hours until you reach his stately home. Despite the wolves, bats, and cobwebs encircling the house and property, it seems legit. The door opens and he’s standing there in a long red coat. Looks pretty good but…is he wearing lipstick? AND guyliner? Holy smokes, the coat is velour! This is getting weird. Maybe he’s just a big David Bowie fan?
Count Dracula: “…”
You: “…Nice to meet you!”
Count Dracula: “…”
You: “…Can I come in? It’s a bit chilly out here.”
Count Dracula: “YES. Please come in. Welcome to my humble home. I am so very ready for our…date.”
The house is a little dusty, but nothing you haven’t seen before. Maybe he doesn’t like to clean? You hear howling outside, which is really weird for the suburbs. Maybe a neighborhood block party? He seems to fall into a trance.
Count Dracula: “Listen to them – children of the night! What music they make.”
You: “…You like music? I’m a big fan of Muse. Have you heard their new album? It’s pretty experimental.”
Count Dracula: “My music is the screams of sailors as they perish in the wild ocean. My songs come from the sound of bats wings in the air, the howling of the wolves, the wailing of the peasants as they flee from me…”
You: “Oh, you’re into Metal! That’s cool. Hey, is that red wine over there? I’d love some.”
Count Dracula: “…Actually, I’m fresh out. You wouldn’t like that vintage anyway. Too…young. I didn’t give it enough time to….breathe. Chocolate-covered cockroaches? A delicacy from my BFF Renfield.”
You: “Thanks, I’m good. Cockroach allergy.”
He proceeds to stare at you strangely for the rest of the date. Weirdly, you don’t seem to mind too much; you have a thing for men in suits with hawk noses and he’s pretty dreamy. You think you’ve got a pretty good chance with this guy! He’s either vegan or raw foodist but you feel like you can deal with that.
You all manage some conversation about Europe, medieval weaponry, architecture, and how easily it is for you both to get sunburned. The conversation is mesmerizing and after a while, you’ve stopped noticing the hair on his palms. After a while, he gallantly offers to drive you home so he can meet your parents and your younger sister, who, unfortunately, happens to like Twilight.
Sister: “OMG!! Your eyes are red…and you’re really pale….ARE YOU A VAMPIRE?? Do you SPARKLE?! I would jump off a cliff for you!!!”
Count Dracula: “Nothing would please me more.”
Oh, yeah. Date 2 is going to be awesome.