We hold this truth to be self-evident, that not all hotties are created equal. The Vicky A’s are over-stepping our bounds just a bit and dipping way back into history, before Queen Victoria, back to the end of Colonial America and the founding of our nation, the United States of America. This week, we will answer the timeless question, “Who is the Hottest Founding Father?” But Katherine, you may scoff, these men were great statesmen, diplomats, soldiers, and philosophers – it is shallow and silly to compare them on looks alone. To you I say, I have the greatest respect for the men who founded the nation in which I live. I love this country dearly, and I think the people who laid the political and legal foundations of this country were truly remarkable. Some of them were also pretty hot, so I say it’s about time for a little objectification – we women have been putting up with it, oh, FOREVER. So lighten up and let’s get to it!
First up, Thomas Jefferson!
Let me start by saying, I don’t understand this whole, “Make fun of gingers” thing – I think redheads are awesome. I have always been super-jealous of girls with vibrant red hair – I think it’s striking and beautiful. TJ was a redhead, and I love him all the more for it.
In addition to being a sexy Red, he did a few little things with his life like writing the Declaration of Independence, writing the Statute of Virginia for religious freedom, and founding the University of Virginia. Honestly, I could go on for a long time about TJ’s many talents and interests, but all you need to know is how good he looks in this painting. How can Ben Franklin concentrate on anything else with so much hotness in such close proximity?
Next is Alexander Hamilton. Have you ever stopped to look at a ten dollar
bill? I mean really look at it? Do it right now – take a minute to gaze
upon the visage of Mr. Hamilton and tell me that man isn’t a major hottie.
If he had been president, he would have been Babe-raham Lincoln. He was even acknowledged in his time as being a major looker. In fact, he gave this country one of its first political sex scandals. Oh yeah. Before he was in office, Hamilton had an affair with a married woman and blackmailed her husband to keep it a secret. This came to light during Washington’s administration, and Hamilton admitted to it and resigned. According to Wikipedia, the affair started when the woman came to him for help, claiming to be abandoned by her husband. She asked him for some money to get herself and child back to New York. This is what he had to say about the meeting, “I took the bill out of my pocket and gave it to her – Some conversation ensued from which it was quickly apparent that other than pecuniary consolation would be acceptable.” Thus began a three-year long affair. Dang, Hammy!
Ben Franklin – Playa Plenipotentiary and Ambassador of Love
He’s not here because he’s good looking per se but because he was the
Pan-Global Mack of the Millenium. He went to France and got it on with
everyone. In what is now a classic letter, Franklin advised a friend on his choice of mistress, arguing that the man should choose an older woman rather than a younger one because:
1. There is no hazard of children
B. They are more discreet
4. Since people walk upright, the body parts up top fade and sag more quickly than…lower parts. So an old woman looks just like a young woman “below the Girdle.” (I AM SERIOUS HE SAID THIS)
Plus he invented bifocals and lightning.
I feel like this could be a picture of a young Tommy Lee Jones. John Marshall was one of the first Supreme Court Justices, and he was incredibly influential in the development of the American legal system. He also served as John Adams’s Secretary of State. He is so handsome and stately in his old age…
Next up is James Madison — he was a major player in the creation of the Constitution, wrote the Bill of Rights, and helped write the Federalist Papers. He served as Jefferson’s Secretary of State before becoming president himself.
Ignore the hair on this next photo. He actually kind of looks like a vampire here with that crazy widow’s peak, but if you focus on the face, he’s pretty good looking.
So who is your fave? I know this list does not include all of the Founding Fathers, but I’m not sure I would classify the others as hotties. His Rotundity John Adams just doesn’t do it for me, but feel free to fight for General Washington’s right to eternal hottie-dom in the comments!