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‘Zounds, Friday night was a serious learning experience for me.  I have never in my life heard so many righteous insults in rapid succession, and of such varied nature!  Here are a few of the best ones from Henry IV: Part 1.  Feel free to use some of these at work today.  No one will know what you actually mean, but they will still have a strong sense of being disparaged.

1.  Starveling

2.  Elf-skin

3.  Dried neat’s tongue

4.  Bull’s pizzle (I really like this one)

5. Tickle-brain (this one seems like a cutesy nickname for a kid but I wouldn’t advise using it on children)

6. Bacon-fed knave (this doesn’t sound so bad – everyone likes bacon)

7. Whoreson caterpillar (!!! It sounds like I made that one up, right?   It’s Shakespeare!)

Heather pointed out that in addition to inventing all literary tropes ever in the world and all idioms, turns of phrase, and metaphors in the English language, Shakespeare also invented fat-shaming.  Here are a few to use on your corpulent friends-soon-to-be-enemies.

1.  Trunk of humours

2. Bolting-hutch of beastliness (could also be a compliment for a really jacked dude? I feel like my husband would be flattered if I called him this, you bulting-hutch of beastliness, you!)

3.  Swollen parcel of dropsies (LOVE this one)

4. Stuffed cloak-bag of guts

That one hurt.

5. Roasted Manning-tree ox with the pudding in his belly (I feel like the pudding part is overkill)

6. Fat-kidneyed rascal

Woe to the person who interrupts me in a meeting today.  Happy Tuesday, everyone!