Mr. Rochester is certainly one of the great romantic figures of the Victorian period. I must confess that I too succumbed to his charms upon reading Charlotte Bronte’s Jane Eyre. But what would it really be like to be married to this man? Ms. Bronte gives us little detail of Rochester and Jane’s married life except to give it a very rosy, happy glow in Jane’s quick recounting at the end of the novel, but the reality is that Rochester was selfish, sneaky, dishonest, and had a rather checkered past. I think being married to a man like him would be a lot less “happily ever after” and a bit more like this…
— For the man who already has everything—
You: Happy birthday, Edward! I hope you like this gift I purchased for you!
Rochester: Oh, dear, what a lovely watch! Thank you!
Mr. Mason: <bursts in> Wait! Don’t you know?! Rochester already HAS a watch! And he keeps it in the attic!
You: Edward, I brought you home a wool coat from town today. Do you like it?
Rochester: How perfect! You are so thoughtful!
Mr. Mason: <bursts in> Stop you fool! Rochester already HAS a coat!
You: Edward, I think I’m pregnant! We are going to have our first child!
Rochester: Oh, how wonderful! I am so excited!
Mr. Mason: <bursts in> Wait! Rochester already…!
You: Shut up, Mason!
You: Edward, I can’t open this jam jar. Could you please help me?
Rochester: Help you? Oh no, I don’t think so.
You: Why not? I can’t open it.
Rochester: But my darling, you and I are equals! If you can’t open it, surely I cannot either. Oh, and the oil needs to be changed in all the cars. Let me know when you’re done with that, my darling equal.
— Words of Affection —
You: Oh Rochester, I love you.
Rochester: Oh, do you my little bird? Well…I might love you. Or I might not.
You: Wait, what?
Rochester: We are soul-mates, you and I. We are like one body, one being. But there’s also this hot other woman I am thinking about marrying. How does that make you feel? Does that make you love me more?
You: I don’t understand.
Rochester: Oh, you precious little thing. I can’t live without you! Now please excuse me while I call another woman.
— Role-Playing…? —
You: Darling, I’m home…Edward? Is that you? Why are you dressed like an old woman?!
Rochester: Oh you are mistaken! I am a roaming gypsy fortune-teller come to read your fortune!
You: Edward…I know it’s you. What are you doing?
Rochester: Please, come here and tell me your secrets! Then, I will tell you what your future holds!
You: This is creeping me out, Edward…
Rochester: Tell me, do you have a crush on anybody? Perhaps someone here in this house? Who enjoys cross-dressing…?