Tag Archives: pride and prejudice

A Day Married to Mr. Bingley

12 Tuesday Mar 2013

Posted by in Literature, Poetry

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Thanks to Life’s infinite variety, I’ve been a bit low these past few weeks. What better to brighten one’s outlook than a day married to Mr. Charles Bingley, he of the FIVE THOUSAND POUNDS A YEEEAH.

You wake up in the morning: “My dear Charles, what shall we do today? Would you like tea?”

The day goes on and wonderful tea is had. “My dear, shall we go riding with your best friend around your ginormous estate?”

“My dear, there’s another ball tonight where we can prance around strangely and forgo all attempts at dignity! Shall we go?”

“My dear, my horrible sister is about to ruin the family’s already somewhat spotty reputation by running off with a ridiculous libertine. Can you call your best friend up and tell him on the sly to deal with it?”

Gosh, you’re adorable.

A Day Married to Mr. Darcy

11 Tuesday Dec 2012

Posted by in Literature, Parody

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This will be a recurring post that answers the question of what it would be like to be married to that literary character you are in love with.  Would it really be that great to be married to your Byronic ideal and have to deal with his emo day in and day out?  Here is a day married to Mr. Darcy, from Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice.

— Waking Up —

You wake up at 8am, roll over, and find that your husband, Fitzwilliam Darcy, is not in bed next to you.  Suddenly, the door opens.

Darcy:  Are you still asleep?

You:  Of course.  It’s Saturday, and it’s only 8am!  Where have you been?  I thought we might cuddle…

Darcy:  I awoke at 5am, restless to begin the day.  I have been riding around the estate all morning.  I am ashamed of your laziness.  What is for breakfast?

You:  My…what?  I think there’s some cereal in the…

Darcy:  CEREAL?!  This I CANNOT stand!

<Darcy storms out and slams the door>

— Taking messages —

Darcy:  Your mother called while you were out.

You:  Oh, really?  What did she have to say?

Darcy:  I wouldn’t know.  I hung up on her as soon as I heard her shrill voice. I refuse to speak to that silly woman.

You:  What?  But she’s your mother-in-law….

Darcy:  I MUST refuse!  My pride will NOT allow it!

You:  Um…ok.  I guess I’ll call her back.

— Intimate Moments —

Darcy comes home from a long trip into town.

You:  <Arms spread>  I’ve missed you!  I’m so glad you are back.

Darcy: <puts his hand out to shake>  Darcys don’t hug.

— Out with Friends —

You:  Laura, Steve, this is my husband Fitzwilliam.  Fitz, these are my friends from work.

Darcy: Hello.

Laura:  It’s so nice to finally meet you!  We’ve heard so much about you from your wife!

Darcy: <silence>

Laura:  Um…yes, we’ve heard you have a very lovely estate.  I’ve never been there but I’ve heard it’s a lovely area.

Darcy: <silence>

Laura: And you have horses?

Darcy: <Looks away and stares at television on the wall>

Steve: <jumping in> Hey, Fitz, you like to shoot, right?

Darcy: <Begrudgingly turns back to the party> I do.

Steve: I’ve got a couple of passes to the rifle range outside of town.  We should go sometime!

Darcy: I would rather not.

You: Maybe we should just get a table…

— Watching TV—

You:  <laughing>  Oh my gosh, Fitz, you’ve got to watch this show.  It’s hilarious!

Darcy:  Ok.  <sits next to you>

Show: …and that’s when the car exploded!

You: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Darcy: Why are you laughing?

— Chores —

You: Can you do the dishes tonight?

Darcy: I must tell you how ardently I admire and love doing the dishes.

You:  And could you iron your shirts, please?  I don’t have time to do it.

Darcy:  I must tell you how ardently I admire and love ironing shirts.

What Modern Girls Can Learn from Victorian Fashion

27 Tuesday Nov 2012

Posted by in Fashion/Design

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Don’t get me wrong, here at the VictoriAnachronists, we love ourselves a good pair of jeans, and we are grateful that we don’t have to put on a girdle to take our dog for a walk.  That being said, there are definitely some things a modern woman can learn from Victorian and turn of the century fashion.

 1. Wear clothes at your natural waist.

Do you ever wonder why the women on Downton Abbey all look so freakin’ skinny?  Two reasons – first, they are all really skinny, but Second! they wear skirts at their natural waist.

There is an alarming trend towards “low-rise” pants that, instead of cinching you at your narrowest point and covering and smoothing everything below the waist, they cut your figure right in the middle of your hips, ruining your silhouette. The low-rise pants situation has gotten so bad that THIS product now exists.

https://www.gettrendytop.com/

Do you want a real solution for muffin-top? No, it’s not Cross-Fit, the grapefruit cleanse, or even Trendy Top. All you have to do is buy clothing that is cut for an actual human female with a waist and hips! Choose skirts that hang at your waist or just below. This hides your belly and hips while streamlining your whole figure. The same goes for trousers and suit pants. But Vicky, you say, I can’t find any pants that fit at my waist! To this, Vicky responds that it might be time to stop shopping in the Junior’s section; Vicky stopped shopping in the Junior’s section when she turned 11. It’s time, ladies.

2. Modesty is sexy.
Victorian women knew that less is more when it came to sexy. There is nothing less attractive than a woman shoved into a too-tight clingy spandex mini-dress showing every dimple and roll. Of course, we realize that there are some women that can pull off pretty much anything. If you are an Iron Woman Triathlete or an ultra-marathoner and you burn 5,000 calories a minute when you’re sleeping, wear whatever the heck you want because you are freaking amazing. For the rest of us, much more attractive is fitted clothing that covers and creates a smooth, shapely silhouette and leaves the rest to the imagination. This leads into the next lesson, which is…

3. Curvy is Beautiful.
Curvy figures have gone in an out over the last century and thankfully, they seem to be coming back in. Modern women admire women like Jennifer Lopez, Kate Winslet, Queen Latifah, and many others for embracing their curvy, feminine shape. Victorians appreciated a feminine figure so much that they went to great lengths to create the shape if the woman didn’t have one. Bustles were the original Apple Bottom skirt used to emphasize a woman’s backside.

Corsets were also part of the standard wardrobe. Most everyone knows that corsets will give any girl an hour-glass figure, but they are restrictive and uncomfortable, and I’m not sure a bustle would fit in an ergonomic office chair for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Luckily, you don’t have to suffer the discomfort and inconvenience of these out-dated accoutrements to look the part. A structured top or jacket and a belt can help give any woman a more defined waist. A-line skirts give a feminine shape and flatter the backside while hiding your belly.

4. Hats look great on everyone.
This is just a fact. There are hats for every face shape and every hair style. Go to a hat store and experiment!

5. Real men wear dressing gowns.
Dressing gowns are hot. Here’s why:

A. Dressing gowns make you incredibly clever, perceptive, and confident. And kiiind of a jerk, but that can be forgiven if you have cheekbones like this guy.

B. Dressing gowns get you hot make-out time with “the help.”

C. Dressing gowns allow you to hide crazy wives in your attic and STILL charm the bustle off the governess.
6. A suit is the sexiest thing a man can wear.
There’s nothing else to say for this one. Let’s go straight to the man-candy.